he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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