I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize