I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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