hotel room ftw
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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