READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
