I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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