I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
