listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
