I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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