just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
