There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
