I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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