You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
