I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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