i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
