her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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