I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
