i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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