She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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