before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
