just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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