I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize