now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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