Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
