Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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