I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I can't put those talents on a resume
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
