Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
