I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
