While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
