I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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