I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize