exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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