Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
