my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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