I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
