Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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