end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
