just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize