Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
