My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Randomize
