I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
