last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
