You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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