I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
