So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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