Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
