I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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