you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
