Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
