My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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