it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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