Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
