In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
