I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I AM VODKA MAN
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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