Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
