turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
