As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
