Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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