I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
