i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
