I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
