Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
