Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
