she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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