I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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