just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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